Past or Now?
by gaarasninjachick
Summary: These are poems about my life, but I didn't have a catagory for it.
1. Chapter 1

Past or Now?

Gangin' up,

I don't understand,

What did I do,

To deserve the hit of your hand?

_All I am is me,_

_That's all I'll ever be._

I disappoint you,

With every breath I take.

Pain inside my soul,

It's so real, I'm awake.

_Kill me now, _

_I don't care how._

A swerk of blood,

A cursed life.

It brakes harder now,

Under this knife.

_Feel the blood, drip drop._

_MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!_

Peace settles.

Sweet slowly drains from hallow veins,

At least until tomorrow,

When I will suffer the same pains.

_I come back. Silent. Sweet._

_Even if you act as a dog in heat._

I cross my heart and hope to die,

As your words cut so deep,

Deeper than this blade,

But you won't hear a peep.

_Here are all the words you don't want to hear,_

_I'll say them until it is clear._

You cause me pain.

It's always my fault.

Why can't you grow up,

And start to act like an adult?

_I look around. It's you I see._

_Nothing else matters to me._

I just want to break you,

But I won't be that mean.

I fall to the ground,

Cause it's on you that I lean.

_All this runs through my mind._

_I can't believe I am so blind._

I'm broken.

I trusted you with all of my heart

Now it's ripped to shreds,

You've torn me apart.

_One tear. A drop of blood I shed._

_For you, the one that wants me dead._

You were my friends,

Back in first grade,

But now the memories are old,

Torn and ripped as they fade.

_I still love you, my friends, it's true._

_Now the decision is up to you._

_ 3 gaarasninjachick_


	2. Chapter 4

Why danmit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did you do this?! Did you think no one cared?!!

I care!

I always will!!!

Why leave us Damien?

Your life is wilted.  
A rose about to brake.  
Something precious  
you did take.

I cry for you,  
because I care.  
Think of you?  
I do not dare.

I don't want them to see me,  
Not like this now.  
Why am I asking,  
who when and how?

No one is here to,  
answer to me.  
No one to hold,  
and no one to see.

I miss you,  
now I'm falling apart.  
You broke yourself,  
as well as my heart.

Where are you now,  
I do not know  
I would like to see,  
You with Him although.

I should have told you,  
Now I am a regret.  
Damn.  
I let it! I LET!

I LET YOU SLIP THROUGH MY HANDS!  
NOW YOUR TAKEING THE DEIVALS COMMANDS!

Why?

I love you.

I miss you.

Why?


	3. Chapter 5

Why?

We are lost.

Rope tight.

Pain strong.

Yes, my friend, we are lost.

I feel it bleed.

Like a cleansing rain.

The bloody rain,

As I feel it bleed.

Cold.

The darkness creeping up.

Cold and dead.

Cold.

Darkness starts to rise.

Like the death of the sun.

Melting all our hopes.

Darkness rises to slow.


	4. Chapter 6

Dreaming, but never getting any sleep,  
Thinking in school but, not learning a thing,  
Smiling but, not at your joke,  
Living but, not here,  
Warning but, not what you think I do,  
Breathing but, never getting any air,  
Needing but, no, not life,  
Hoping to see, but that  
you  
would  
know.  
Always wondering if he feels like you do.


	5. Chapter 7

Pain burns a hole in her heart,  
A hole only you could fill.  
Gone without a trace,  
Except for the scares.

Only I know the pain,  
Fear running through this rose.

My friend cries alone in the dark,  
You look at her through that facade.

Look at this life through her eyes.  
If you would only walk in her shoes,  
Finally you might feel the pain she's going through,  
Even if you think you know.

She is engraved on my heart on a special  
P.A.G.E.  
O.F.  
M.Y.  
L.I.F.E


	6. Chapter 8

I see you.

And the way that you look at me.

What is this?

What's this feeling?

You.

Hearts beating.

Why am I breathing so fast?

My heart racing!

My stomach.

Oh my.

This feeling is so strange.

I love him.


	7. Chapter 9

Flaring blood running down my blad,

Dieing inside just what I said,

Hiding behind my facade,

Alone alive; Alone dead.

My painful tears flow down,

A tribute to the flaming powerful bleeding wrist,

Why hurt me? Why supress my soul?

Is there something I must have missed?

Course

I cry alone in scilence,

Screaming out to save me,

Save me from myself,

I'm lost and cold,

Afraid,

I see what I'm not,

And just leave me with this knife,

I wear this pain,

And throw this knife,

Nothing ever pays off,

In all my strife.

I can't ever seam to get this right,

Never cut deep enough to die,

But no one ever even scratchs the serface to concel my lie,

Thats why I alway cry.

Course

No body sees me

Nobady cares

Nobody hears me

Nobody loves me

And nobody excepts me!

Now when will I find a nobody or two!

Course

Let me be and just watch me bleed

Let me be and just watch me bleed

Let me be and just watch me bleed

You like?


	8. Chapter 10

Would you love me?

Hmmmmm

Would you hold me?

Hmmmmm

Would you wipe away the tears or are you the cause?

Hmmmmm

Stab me to watch me bleed?

Hmmmmm

Hold me cause you made a mistake?

Hmmmmm

Kiss me just because?

Hmmmmm

Cry with me for no reason?

Hmmmmm

Dance in the rain?

Hmmmmm

Kill me?

Well,,,

At least I'm sure about one thing. You'd hesitate.

xoxo hope u like it its kinda wierd. ARE YOU HAPPY!?


	9. Chapter 11

If I was there with you right now would you love me?

Would you hold me?

Kiss me?

be my friend?

would you hold me when I cry ,help me as I bleed?

leave me in the rain? 

cut my soul?

pirce me to see me in pain?

tell me how to live?

try to make me stop ,hate me?

Don't ever give me a knife and say not to cut nor

not to die 

Don't give me a pill and tell me to not swallow it nor

take it and leave me alone

Love me

Hold me

Kiss me 

but what ever you do just if you say something just don't say it to my face.

XOXO


	10. Chapter 12

staring into illuminated existance

light head from a rope tonight

the pen in hand and note of death

they could never hear the silent screams

ringing through the night

the others wonder why

they dont know i ache

the things i love are too much

my life shall break

all the tears and the blood

happen after the jokes that they tease

they dont see or hear my tears

i slit my wrist and the pain shall ease

cut me wide open

but you never leave a trace

so the pain i feel behind my facade

you can't see the tears beyond my face

i can feel it now

its minutes away

the room is dead black

never to see another day


	11. Chapter 13

He makes my heartbeat so fast.

I can't stop.

I love him.

He is the only one that makes me feel alive.

I love him.

I really do.

I don't want to lose him.

Just hold me closer as I bleed.


	12. Chapter 14

Deep in silence I hear a cry,

A scream of pain ringing through my ears.

The hum is there and then silence,

A silence black as pitch.

It all fades away with a red line and a drop of concentrated emotion.

Does anyone else feel the pain through the unsaid words of two strangers?

Do you look deeper than the sholow minds of others in search of some thing more.

But ever dead end leads you a bulet closer to that sweet blise not of this world.

Will you look at me differently now that you know?

Will you asking how I feel?

Will you ever come out of that facade and see that people are dieing inside where no one can see?

You don't care!

DO YOU EVEN TAKE THE TIME TO GIVE A SECOND GLANCE INSTEAD OF A COLD STARE!

Why BRAND ME!!!!!

ARE YOU AFAID OF HOW I HURT!

ARE YOU AS SCARED AS I AM TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE!

WILL I LOSE THEM!

WILL I EVEN CARE!

That's mine.tHIS IS WHY ME TOUGHTS ARE DARK AND LIFE CAN NEER BE BRIGHT! BECAUSE OF OUR GAY STANDARDS AND RULES DON'T WAER THAT DON;T LIKE HIM OR HER THEY CUT THEY HATE THE LIVES THAT ARE PERFECT FOR THEM. My life is not perfect

WOULD I BE LIKE THIS IF YOU WOULD GIVE ME LOVE.

The scream rings out through the night of a sad girl trying to fit in.

If a human screams and no ones aroud to hear it does it make a sound?


	13. Chapter 15

Ever lost,

Dark night.

I see no hope.

Crying alone.

Don't laugh.

Don't look.

Don't poke fun at my pain.

Left alone.

Red-beaded line.

Razor wet,

Face wetter.

Heart scared,

Heart stained.

Crying myself to sleep.

Slowly blackening,

My painful solution.

Why judge?

Never Again.

Good bye.

Good riddance.

Leave me alone as I die.


	14. Chapter 16

Painful words that pierce the skin

Fiery inferno that never ends

Fire of hate you feel towards me

Suppress the cold like burning, freezing heat

It burns the skin

And kills, the soul

After a while I like it

Ease the pain


	15. Chapter 17

Why tease me, cause I have paint in my hair?

Or eraser shavings right there?

I'm crying right now and no one knows

Cause you make fun of the marker on my nose.

NO DON'T TAKE THEM AWAY!

You can't tell me just to stay.

I guess I have to express in other ways.

I shall cut off my days.

Smilies hearts and maybe even a cross.

Knives just to toss.

So now you see a red line

You ask if that is mine.

The razor in my hand,

That's too much to demand.

Don't you see you're why I bleed.

Just because you saw the need,

To make fun of some paint in my hair


	16. Chapter 18

Leave us,

Sure we don't care.

Leave us,

Crying and in pain.

Leave us,

Wondering where you are.

Leave us,

In the rain.

Leave us,

As you're 6 feet under.

Leave me,

To pretend I don't care.

Leave me,

To try and hold it in.

Leave me,

To cry alone.

Leave me,

To pretend I don't know you. You win.


	17. Chapter 19

Pierced.

Torn.

Worn.

Broken.

Lost.

Acheing.

Needing.

Pleading.

Crying.

Dieing.

Stabbed.

Crossed.

Handel with care.

Hold if you dare.

Don't tare it.

Don't slit.

Hold it close you.

Feel that warmth? Something new.

Take my heart.

Give it wings.

Brake through all the sufferings.

Make it full.

Filled with love.

Just help me to rise above.

Insane.

Tattered.

Stuck.

Bruised.

Squised.

Ripped.

Cut.

Slit.

Marked.

Shot.

Bloody.

Abused.

Take it with you

In all you do

Keep it safe in your hands.

Travel all of these lands.

I am with you now.

Don't ask how.

Take my heart.

Give it wings.

Brake through all the sufferings.

Make it full.

Filled with love.

Just help me to rise above.

Please don't try to kill it.

It's been hurt in the past.

It's killing me not to be abel to.

LET GO! LET GO!

Just don't let go of me

Leave my heart in the sand.

Take my heart.

Give it wings.

Brake through all the sufferings.

Make it full.

Filled with love.

Just help me to rise above.


	18. Chapter 20

Inside Out

I do not know what they would think of my inside,

They already see the out.

Outside I am not real,

And life is so fake.

They see the clothes and my façade,

Blond-red hair that is never in the same place twice.

They see the blue of my eyes and think they see me.

Pale skin, tall and strange.

Acting crazy like I don't really care.

But they can't what I really am.

I am a song inside.

Free as a brid, I have no words.

I am dancing with the wind and running with the waves.

I chase the sun and hide with the moon.

I ignite the stars and run freely.

No one can ever catch me.

No one can find me.

Lost in my mind.


	19. OMG It's a title Twisted Shakespear

She cuts it open to expose her heart to the world.  
A scream in the night as the street lights go down,  
Nothing is visible beyond her skin.  
The face that she wears so you don't see her  
Headlights blear through bloodshot eyes  
He's drunk again as she waits up for him  
All prepared for the worst he storms in again  
And blames her for all the problems in the world  
She falls to the floor just like last night  
Blood runs down her brow. He shows no mercy,  
And takes her upstairs to the bathroom  
The water runs and she braces herself for the absence of air  
It runs through her thoughts, 'Can't he just love me?'  
He rips off her clothes and takes yet another piece of her soul.  
The screams sink to whispers of begging him to stop.  
He wakes in the hallway headache screaming at him,  
Covered in the blood of his lover.  
Looking around he hates himself, he knows what he's done.  
He runs to the bedroom to find her lifeless body on the floor.  
He pushed it too far not knowing when to quit.  
A bloodstained piece of paper leis face down on the floor,  
The note left for her lover and cause of death; it reads,  
"I love you. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough."  
Full of anger he grabs the knife from her heart, and  
With his last bit of courage he kisses her lips,  
And whispers, "I love you," as he lets go.  
Collapsing on his one and only Juliet  
A twisted Shakespearian tale.


	20. Why, Skye, Why

You said you were crying.

Why does it bug me that I don't know the cause?

Why were you crying?

Why does it hurt that I can't hold you and wipe your tears away?

You said you were crying.

Why did God put us apart?

Why were you crying?

Why can't I keep my mind off you?

You said you were crying.

Why can't I concentrate?

Why were you crying?

Why do I choke on your name?

You said you were crying.

Why does it make me cry too?

Why were you crying?

Why can't you come to me?

You said you were crying.

Why can't the rain fall down instead of teardrops?

Why were you crying?

Why am I writing this?


	21. Memories

Memories

Fade to black

Memories

Still coming back

Memories

That make me cry

Memories

That just won't die

Memories

Make me weak

Memories

I can't speak

Memories

Make me scream

Memories

It's not a dream

Memories

Piercing pain

Memories

Red going down the drain

Memories

Cut me off

Memories

Words so soft

Memories

Death of love

Memories

I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

Memories

Hear my plea

Memories

Chase after me

Memories

Slit my neck

Memories

Go to heck

Memories

Nothing left

Memories

Of my death.

(Alt. Memories Angles fell Memories Go to hell tall me which you like better)


	22. Cause of Death

No way am I ever going to be free,  
No reason will I change myself for you  
I'm not a fool, I'm not stubborn  
I just won't get close to you  
I swear not to ever let love steal me  
No one sees my true face  
I fake a smile, I laugh so you think  
Nothing is wrong  
Please don't worry I'm fine  
At least that's what I say  
The blood drips off of me  
And I am free, my soul has no boundaries  
No matter what I say I'm not okay  
Inside this flesh tomb I am dieing  
So I shall smile and fake my happiness  
Like I do every single day of my life  
Cause deep inside I only want to be loved  
But love doesn't abide with me  
It's not better to have loved and lost  
I just come out with one less piece of my heart  
But you will never figure that out  
I'll act strange and you'll think I'm complete  
But I'm not and I will never be  
The innocents of childhood has all left  
So I'm alone with memories of lost beauty  
That clear blue sky on a sunny day  
Swinging all by myself I may have no love  
But I love my friends  
Though you're few and broken  
But though I feel alone  
I know that I'm not  
At least not always  
But I will tell you  
You have everything of me  
I am what you make of me  
Void of any of my individuality  
Another conformist  
Emotions won't exist in me  
I am nothing to you  
I am nothing at all  
So please no more hitting me down  
Cause I won't get up till you say  
I need to love to give love  
So please love me  
Or I can't love you  
No matter how hard I try  
I really love everyone  
At least I used too  
But that was my downfall  
I can't love  
I need it now  
Confusion: Yet the cause of another teenage suicide


	23. Paper Cuts as Company

I feel dark  
I feel helpless  
Lost inside myself  
Full of loneliness  
So I'll condense it on paper and  
Let these words keep me company  
Now I've come this far  
Voiding myself of all emotions  
So I won't break my promise  
But it's hard when the room won't stop spinning  
All drunk and disordered  
Walk a while just to fall down  
My walls are all broken  
I'm so exposed  
Now you see my weakness  
My frail unbeating heart  
This song with no notes as my death note  
Without the goodbyes  
Cause there is no one to say goodbye to


	24. Fighting a Losing Battle with Myself

Take out my heart and watch it beat.  
Sew me up with words so sharp.  
Stab my soul then repeat.

Cannot breath with this smoke in my chest.  
I know how you feel. Want me dead.  
Leave me, just like all the rest.

Darkness comes over my life.  
I feel nothing I never did.  
It doesn't matter, cause you've ended my strife.

Blood drips away cause no one did care.  
So cold. So dark. So peaceful.  
Soft nothingness. Ever alone there.

A pain coming over me.  
Eating at my peace.  
A light is all I see.

I know you want to see me die  
I do too.  
I can't lie.


	25. Not Dead Not Alive

This fragmented lie of my heart  
Looks so beautiful from the outside  
But no one sees my pain  
Stabbing me leaving nothing that could be a life  
So I lie and say I'm breathing  
I'm so fake when I smile  
Soul choked by the smoke I'm exhaling  
Trying to feel the thrill of blood through my veins  
Lead weighing down my wings  
Now breathe and die  
I'll put up my façade to hide myself  
My empty shell as hallow as my life  
Blood dripping down it can't be my own  
So I cut a little deeper the pain gets stronger  
Erasing the pain of my non-existence  
Nausea sets in as my world fades to black  
No one can hear my screams now  
It's so warm I feel it coming  
I wake up in a cold sweat  
Where I was on the floor  
In my lifeless mind  
For a moment I thought I was alive  
Because you must live to die  
But now I know I'm insane  
My heart beats even faster  
And my body dies harder  
My time is running out  
And you're lucky it is too  
I guess you can kill the dead


	26. Could Love Hurt So Beautifully?

Without full knowledge even the wise elephant is trapped

Tamed

Abused

Mislead

It cannot escape even the cobra's wrath

The bite sinks in

Venom spreading through

Pain.

Some things change,

Some things the mighty creature cannot understand

This disgusting slither has taken her captive

She is no longer her

Somehow she changes

For better or worse that is yet to be resolved

All she knows now is pain

The majestic creature trips onto broken glass

Her thick skin cut and shattered

Left with hauntings

Still she presses onward

Not knowing the way ahead

The creature slithers along beside in disguise

The puppy nips at her heels

Others see a cute pure creature, but the elephant knows

He continues to trip her

She falls

She bleeds

She slowly

Painfully

Gratefully

Dies.

Yet, no the wolf in sheep's clothing shall not let her be in peace

Not even in death

Although the spirit now lingers and the kiss of death blows over the land

Desert

Scorching

Lonely.

All other creatures are gone, left in foul hopes as the elephant bleeds

The snake remains.

It too remains, unchanged by the landscape around it

The viper waits and dies

For maybe the creature did not want the elephant dead

Could it be he was so caught up in her that he couldn't see how badly he hurts her?

Could it be her heart had glass inside?

How badly broken she was!

Now hurt foolish pride is show with blood drying in the cracked ground.

Could

Love

Be

A

Cause

For

Death?


End file.
